Sta.sh
So, I'm recycling this from a lovely site called "Asian Caucasian Turf", where I post several blogs about life and such. This one got a lot of raves, so enjoy. <3
---
“Your effort to remain what you are limits you.”
I have come to a turning point in my life. I realize that I will undergo more change in the remainder of my high school career than ever before. There will be more friends lost, more friends gained. More parties, more opportunities for trouble and losing everything I worked my ass off for years to obtain. I will make more mistakes than ever, make more successes than ever. My last few months of being a kid, a legal child, will be spent carefully. Soon, I will turn eighteen. Life thus far has flown by, as I look back. I think about things from all kinds of perspectives now, where in the past, I had a one-track mind. My mind reached “eighteen” years ago. I had to grow up, faster than anyone my age at ten years old. I had to go home by myself, I had to wake myself up and get myself to school every morning on my own. I managed my own life. I cooked dinner for the family. I did my own homework with no available assistance. I did everything that a college student should do in sixth grade. Boys were the least of my concerns, as were any kind of romance. Sure, there were those secret wishes of a white wedding with a cake war between my spouse and me, but they weren’t frequent. That still hasn’t changed. Love is not one of my priorities, I realized. Friendships, even, aren’t one of my biggest concerns. I’ve grown very hard, yet more personable at the same time. As my friends grow older and wiser, so do I. Most fall behind me and wonder what I’m worried about as far as college is concerned. I have my path all planned out from the second I walk across the stage to the second I step into my dorm room, shared with someone I could only hope to get along with. Most of my friends are changing their minds from one path to another on a daily basis. I’ve always known. I guess that track of my path has never changed, always growing clearer, more full with embellishments. Music. I knew that the second I stepped into music class in kindergarten that it would be my life forever. It fills me with a sense of peace and comfort. It makes every bad moment into one that I can use to grow. I have never done anything destructive to my body when I was depressed because of my musical background. It is my happiness, it is my reprieve. There is nothing more important. It’s hard to find someone like me, so set in her ways, at my age. Hell, I know people decades older than I am, still unsure of what to do with themselves.
The catch. In order to reach a higher level, I must change with these obstacles. Grow stronger in some places, and blow down some walls of insecurities that I have locked deep within me since I was younger. I don’t blame my father for a bad childhood. In fact, even though I knew that my dad had a drinking problem, even though I knew the divorce was going to happen from my dreams, I didn’t let it get to me. My musical background helped me through. My friends that I still have to this day helped me through. My grades in school were exemplary. I earned everything I had. A candy bar at the dollar store was a huge treat for me. I never asked for much because I always knew. I have found that knowledge is both power and our death. Those who are oblivious live such simpler lives. Those of us in the know, who know what consequences we face from every action, live in worry and fear. There have been times when I wished that I didn’t know; however, looking back, it all was better because I did know. I would never have changed my thirst for knowledge. My mind, a porous sponge, took everything in and placed it carefully in its rightful place in the puzzle of life. But I ramble.
Yesterday, I watched “Inception”. Two days before that, I watched Ghost in the Shell, the movie. These movies which make us think, which puzzle us but make so much sense, are my favorites. Sure, I also love the mindless romances like “Pride and Prejudice” or “The Notebook”, but I can’t help but continue having that need for mental stimulation. The movie had me thinking. It brought to surface all of these questions, these fears I have had for ages about death and dreaming. It made me want to try lucid dreaming last night. I ended up able to do that. In any case, we all wonder what happens after our hearts cease to beat. I wonder every night, sometimes absolutely terrified to the point of tears, that it will just be the end. I realize that it is irrational, but everyone is afraid of death in some manner. It’s instinct. Stay alive. Protect your body. It’s the best tool you’ll ever have. Now, I wonder, would I want to stay forever in some dream land that I could control? Would I allow it to become my reality, being with just one person in a perfect world with no difficulties, or would I rather continue to struggle and allow the good times to make it worthwhile? The movie brought many questions left unanswered. I can safely say that seeing it a second and third time would not bore me.
It also made me take a look at my own life. Am I really living to the fullest? Am I really leaving the impressions that I wish to leave? Am I the “ideal” me right now? No, of course not. Recently, the only thing I have changed is the outer me. I cannot continue to remain, limited in my abilities, just because it is comfortable, safe. I lost a dear friend because I made a fast turn for the worst and haven’t returned completely. Somewhere, I lost my will to be sincere. On the way, I became more “fun” for everyone. Most people turn to me first when they need advice, and I am always there. I continue to stay solo. I refuse, most times, to search for others in any way. I do not want the guidance of others. Where’s the “me” in that? Unfortunately, for a while, I lost my passions, everything. There was a state of depression because I lost myself in an effort to change. Now, I must make the effort once again. I cannot be contained. I’m going to use all of the tools around me to make it happen. Maybe, along the way, my beliefs will return. My morals. Everything I followed. As of right now, the quote in the beginning of my journal is the only thing I live for.
Anyways. I hope that you guys enjoyed this blog. I missed writing for you guys. Maybe you guys will find inspiration in it. Actually, you know what? I wanna know if any of you have ever lost a strong part of you. It could be a lost passion for something, or a moral, or anything. I wanna know, so in your comments, tell me your biggest personal change. Don’t be shy. If you don’t want to let everyone see it, go ahead and message me.
I love you guys. <3
- Rae -
| Deviant Login | Shop |
 | Join deviantART for FREE  |
Take the Tour  |
Miserable 
